Why me? Why not me?

It’s not surprising I got Covid during my holiday break. I spent almost every night in Sugarbowl sitting shoulder to shoulder with good friends and family, eating delicious food and listening to music. One night involved eating an amazing dinner by a celebrated chef, another night was listening to music from a friend’s band, and another was an open mic night celebrating the local musical talent. Of course, there was a rousing New Year's evening. Honestly, I had such a good time. I’m sure that I was more susceptible to getting Covid because I’m immunocompromised. I wasn’t surprised but still couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself!

Actually, it was right before the Pandemic back in 2019 that I was diagnosed with cancer again. I was stunned and shocked. I discovered through a routine blood test that I had elevated cancer marker numbers. I could not believe it. It had been five years since my last bout of cancer. After my blood test, I had a Pet CT that showed that I had rapidly dividing cells and a biopsy of my rib showed that it was in my rib.

This diagnosis devastated me. It meant that the diagnosis was recurring which meant my cancer was metastatic and not “just” a regional diagnosis. Why me? I asked myself that question more times than I would like to admit. I still do.

But back to the present day. You may recall (and it is okay if you don’t) that I get chemo every three weeks. I’ve been doing this particular type of chemo for 10 months and I have to say my cancer marker numbers are down.

Because I had so much fun over the break (and got Covid!) I could not go to the chemo treatment that I had scheduled right after the New Year. I am sure that the chemo is what made me more susceptible to getting Covid actually but that is not the point here. I felt so sad that I could not get chemo despite having such good numbers because I find I can’t let myself get too excited about my numbers going down. Some deep-seated part of me thinks the worrying helps. Even saying my cancer markers are going down makes me worry that I am jinxing myself.

Why me? Then again, Why not me? Covid. Cancer. These things that are out of our control. I am just as likely as the next person to get a disease. This is something I need to remind myself daily.

My goals for this year is to stay present and enjoy my family and friends. I will still worry, even though I would imagine you’re saying, Why do that to yourself, Jessica? Roll with me, friends.

I have heard from so many of you how much this blog means to you. I’m so so grateful. I do not want my journey to be a mystery. So please keep asking and please keep reaching out. It means so so very much to me. Speaking of, the best way to respond to my blog is to email me here: jparishgalloway@gmail.com

What I wish for you is health, happiness and community. Happy New Year!

Love,

Jessica