Who and what we can count on (including Chemo Brain)

I’ve been feeling happy! I haven’t cried for days.

But today is the day before I get chemo. So everything is going to change.

As you know I am on a three week cycle. The good news is that it’s predictable. But that doesn’t mean it is easy for me.

I start to feel anxious and anticipate all of the side effects that I am going to experience. Brain fog. My memory is not as good. Can’t find my words. Emotions that seem to come from nowhere.

But by the time I sit in my chemo chair, my nerves have calmed and I feel ready to go fight this disease.

The nurses make a huge difference. They are calm, knowledgeable and kind, and I know I can count on them.

Who would have thought that not only would I become a nurse but would spend so much time being on the other side as a patient, not a caregiver?

So I “get” to sit in the chair at the infusion center every three weeks and am poked and prodded by the most talented and kind troupe of nurses. Although last time, while getting my infusion last time, I was just getting over Covid. My nurse arrived in a full hazmat suit. I felt less able to connect with her. She felt more like an alien than my ally:) But every other time, I feel taken care of and comforted by them. I think it is because they are competent and partially because I see myself in them.

So back to my Chemo Brain. The week after chemo I actually feel pretty good. I get a big dose of steroids right before the chemo infusion, and they give me a huge boost of energy. Last time, I cleaned out my whole closet. I donated 4 bags to the Salvation Army. I actually took them myself:) I feel like a functioning human, and it is glorious!

But after three days I crash. I get incredibly spacey. I can’t find my glasses. I can’t find my words. I get depressed. That lasts for about a week.

This past weekend (which is the end of week three of my chemo cycle) I went skiing. Claire left last Tuesday and the house felt very empty. Steve went back east to help clean out his parents’ house. But I was okay. I went up to Sugar Bowl. It felt so good to do something that is so familiar to me. The sun on my face on a warm winter day. The view from the top of the mountain was gorgeous. Donner Lake was still and glistening. I loved it all so much.

I keep learning when I stay firmly in the present that I feel okay. When I start thinking about the future I get nervous. I also realize I have no control about the future. Realizing that actually makes me feel better.

Although I can count on my chemo cycle! Knowing that I will feel better, even when I have a few days, keeps me going. So do all of you.

Thank you for reading and responding. I love hearing from you.