I never wanted to write a blog
I never wanted to feel like my cancer diagnosis was something that I wanted to report on. I wanted my cancer to go away, so I did not need to think or write about it. I wanted to do anything else but report on myself.
But here I am. I have had cancer many times. It started 18 years ago with my first diagnosis of Stage 3 breast cancer with almost a year of treatment. Oliver was 4 years old, Ben was 2, and Claire was 8 months old. Ten years later it was back again, with another necessary surgery.
In December 2020 I was re-diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer with a spot on my right rib. Here is the letter that I wrote on June 15, 2022 to share the news. This was during the Pandemic. I started on chemotherapy and, after three weeks on chemo, I had a terrible reaction to the treatment that landed me in the hospital for four days. Three of those days I was in the ER. I was alone because of the Pandemic, but it was all they could do.
2021 was a combination of more chemo, radiation, covid tests and an ever-pressing anxiety that my life would become about treating my cancer. In February 2023 I started a new drug called Enhertu, a recently approved drug from the FDA. This is a breakthrough drug that people in all fields are excited about.
And that is why I want to write to you now. My cancer screening test numbers are not perfect, but almost.
Cancer has this life altering impact on one’s psyche. Many many people live for years and years after a cancer diagnosis. Many live a whole long life and they die of other things. The most important attitude that I attempt is staying in the present. Life is really about stringing one moment to the next
And yet, one thing about cancer is that it makes you think crazy thoughts on how to heal yourself. I remember a conversation I had with my surgeon. Whenever I have an opportunity to discuss my cancer with an expert, I let it rip and ask any question that may have crossed my mind. Does eating mushrooms treat cancer!? How about eating vegan!? Will meditation cure cancer!? How about aerobic exercise!? I think these questions are very common among cancer patients.
In my call with my surgeon, I think I shocked and stupefied her when I asked if dipping in cold water would cure my cancer. There was total and complete silence on the other end of the line.
I asked, “Are you still there? She said, “Yes, I am,” but I couldn’t help but notice more silence.
I then asked again, “Does swimming in cold water cure cancer? Please let me know because I have been reading about this new phenomenon called dipping. I HATE cold water, but I am willing to try absolutely anything. Well maybe not everything.”
She finally replied, “No, Jessica. Cold water will not cure cancer.” She then collected herself together enough to say that cold water may make me feel more alive and healthy because it can increase stimulation of the vagus nerve. And yes, the point of life is to live each moment of every day fully, and cold water may help you achieve that goal. But no, she had never heard of cold water treatments curing cancer.
I suddenly realized the absurdity of all my crazy ideas in my head that may get rid of this Maybe if I take a bath every night with the best salts, maybe if I ski hard in the best snow, if I spend time with friends, if I eat good food… it will all just go away. However, I realize that cold water dipping, baths, meditation, skiing, laughing, being a mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend all bring me back to the full life that I have in the here and now. That all we really have in this life, is stringing each moment together in the present.
I may never have wanted to write a blog but now I do. I have a lot to say. I’m grateful that you’re here.
Love,
Jessica
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