The answer my friend is blowing in the wind
I have always been occupied by my hair. When I was young I had very blonde hair with curly pigtails just like Cindy Brady, of The Brady Bunch. I loved them and I totally identified with Cindy and her hair.
I just celebrated my birthday and went on a hike with some friends who I have known since those Cindy Brady hair days. My hair is thin right now, which was noticed right away. My cancer markers are going down well, and I can easily hike six miles and more. Why do I torment myself about my thinning hair?? My cancer is getting under control yet my vanity is clearly not. Why would I even let myself focus on this for a second. I guess that it is a constant reminder of this battle.
When I got my original breast cancer diagnosis in 2005, I was told that I would lose my hair about 2 weeks after starting chemo. It was two weeks to the date I went on a walk on Mt Tamalpais. Oh my goodness, I have to tell you this story.
It was the day of the Meet & Greet for parents and kids starting the kindergarten class at Marin Country Day School. I started the hike with a full head of hair, and by the time I got back to my car I had lost a lot of my hair. I was totally horrified but luckily I had a wig to put on. I did not want to feel so conspicuous with my illness with people that I was just about to meet at the kindergarten lemonade. I did not want to be the Mom with cancer. I did not want to see the fear in other people’s eyes. I just wanted to be the normal Mom of a Kindergarten child.
What gave me some weird comfort was that my hair blew away in Tennessee Valley, a place I’ve always loved. The hair was not attached to my head, but it was still there. Maybe in a bird's nest. It may sound gross, but someone, something, using my hair for protection gave me comfort. Maybe my hair helped support a bird that built a nest, that laid an egg, that hatched, grew up, laid eggs and on and on and on. My life matters and maybe my hair did too.
I am currently on a chemo drug called Enhertu, a wonder drug of sorts. When I read the side effects for the drug the insert mentioned alopecia (hair loss), along with nausea, fatigue, mood changes, diarrhea constipation, anemia, interstitial lung disease etc. I have to admit I weirdly cared ONLY about the hair loss. I did not care whether I was vomiting on the floor with core draining fatigue. I just wanted my fucking hair!
Sending Shalom, Love, and Gratitude to All,
Jessica
