You are in, You are not in.
This has been a hard week.
Last Monday our beloved dog Cosmos died. We knew Cosmos was nearing the end. He wasn’t eating or drinking. He was 15 years old, so he was just an old dog. Steve and I went to the Pet Hospital on Fillmore and Washington. They could not have been nicer. He was our family dog –the one that Oliver, Benjamin and Claire grew up with. They were very sad to hear the news. Memories of him – sweet, cozy and loyal Cosmos – give me comfort, but I miss him. We still have our silly and playful 3 year-old Pluto, so yes, we have distraction from losing Cosmos, but still.
I remember exactly where I was when my childhood dog Twiggy died. It must have been an impactful event because of my vivid memory of when my mom called me to tell the news. I was sitting on my bed in Santa Cruz. I’m thinking that it might be the same situation for my kids.
I also didn’t get into a clinical trial this week. Ten days ago, I had a CT scan. It showed a little bit more cancer growing but basically stable. My oncologist wanted me to start on a very promising clinical trial. The trial targets a cellular mutation that I have. I rushed upstairs to get signed up for the trial. I quickly signed up and did a battery of tests. My EKG showed that my heart rate was super high. I was nervous as shit. They finally put me in a dark room, with music and camomile tea. Finally my heart rate settled down. I just had been so nervous. I was a fucking mess.
The next day I was told that I was NOT in the clinical trial. I didn’t qualify because I do not have “enough” cancer!
What do they want me to do…. Do I have to wait until I have enough cancer and then get into the clinical trial? It feels like an impossible situation. This trial sounds so promising. The drug they are using causes no hair loss and no nausea/vomiting. What could be better.
So I’m in the waiting zone. With cancer treatment you just can’t always know what’s going on.
Jessica
PS I’ll let you know what I hear from the doctor about my treatment plan.
