Asking for help

I woke up on New Year’s Eve Day at Sugar Bowl weak, shaky and fatigued with a terrible cold. It wasn’t Covid like last year at this time but I felt equally horrible.

There were a few days in January when I felt fine. That is when I wrote my blog about that hilarious Hazardous label, how happy I was about the holidays with my family, and how excited that my cancer numbers were good.

But then… the cold came back (or I got another one) and it really packed a punch. It went on and on for a whole month!! Although Truqap (the drug I’m now on for my treatment) seems to beat back the cancer, my immunosuppression from the drug makes me very vulnerable to viruses and bacteria. This is the relentlessness of having Stage 4 cancer.

In addition to the pesky cold, I had an allergic skin reaction from the new drug that bugged me endlessly. I also developed brain fog and occasionally could not find my words. It was scary.

By the third week, we decided that we needed help. Steve and I had been in the house just the two of us and he was working double time taking care of me. We were not sure exactly what we needed – or who we should reach out to. In hindsight, I think we just needed some distraction. Here’s the thing: When you have cancer people are incredibly giving of their time, love and food. But a cold? We felt funny about asking for help.

Why is it sooooo hard for me to ask for help? I like to think of myself as fiercely independent. I also have a little voice inside of me that tells me asking for help is weak. I think I have my mom to thank for that:) She was a strong, fiercely independent woman who had little time for petty colds.

The difficulty with this cancer journey is that the experience is cumulative. It is just always there. We are already exhausted. Just when you think things are stable, we get surprised by something as a simple illness. (I am better now.)

And now that it is mid-February, I feel like I’m starting the new year! I am trying to go on walks again. I am seeing a trainer once a week. I am recommitting to finding one or two things a day that help me calm my central nervous system and keep my anxiety at bay. And I am trying to get off Instagram (wish me luck!) and find my humor again. Laughing is the best medicine.

Hope you’re finding health and humor in the new year. I know there is a lot to be worried about but there is also so much to be grateful for.

I am grateful to be here. Lots of love,

Pluto for President!

Jessica